A recording has emerged of a telephone call today between UEFA and the English FA, the result of which being that Wayne Rooney will be banned for a total of five competitive international matches. 

 

Read the transcript yourself:

 

 

THE FA: Good Morning, trust you are all well. Just wanted to check you got the letter from young Wayne regarding the unfortunate incident at the weekend.

 

UEFA: Yes, we received his letter and are not impressed. We feel he is trying to influence our disciplinary procedure and gain advantage.

 

THE FA: Eh? What on Earth are you talking about? 

 

UEFA: Well, in England when a manager talks about a referee before a game you charge him with misconduct. Looking at your processes and applying them to this we feel he is trying to influence us in an unfair way.

 

THE FA: How can he be influencing your disciplinary procedure? It’s only a letter.

 

UEFA: The same could be said about managers in your country when they merely praise a referee before a game and you charge them with misconduct.

 

THE FA: Right, I feel you’re just being awkward there. Look it was just a little kick, hardly violent conduct and Wayne is happy to take a one game ban. You don’t want the player to be missing important games that he doesn’t have to.

 

UEFA: Ah important games. I remember watching the FA Cup semi-final at Wembley last year and wondering ‘Where is this boy they call the White Pele?”, I was told he had been banned for swearing, that you had banned him.

 

THE FA: We had no choice, children could have been watching when he swore down the camera.

 

UEFA: Are you suggesting that children don’t watch international football? Indeed the audience may be greater so more youngsters will have seen Wayne Rooney kick out.

 

THE FA: BUT IT WAS JUST A LITTLE KICK!

 

UEFA: So violence is now not as important as swearing? Do you sometimes swear accidently when you lose your temper in front of a youngster?

 

THE FA: Yes, everyone does by accident every now and again.

 

UEFA: Ok, do you sometimes kick a youngster with force because they have frustrated you?

 

THE FA: No, of course not.

 

UEFA: Well then you’ll see that violence is much worse than swearing. Tell me how long you banned Wayne Rooney for swearing?

 

THE FA: Two games.

 

UEFA: So you must see we have to be far more severe than that or we will see children all over Europe kicking people.

 

THE FA: This is ridiculous, he apologised immediately afterwards.

 

UEFA: Did he not apologise when he swore into that camera?

 

THE FA: Yes.

 

UEFA: When?

 

THE FA: Immediately afterwards.

 

UEFA: That made no difference to you, yet you want it to help your cause now? I’ve added up a one game ban for trying to influence the committee, a further game for the frivolous appealing and a three game ban for the actual violent conduct.

 

THE FA: FIVE GAMES?! That’s ridiculous.

 

UEFA: Hey, we’re only following your rules.

 

 

 

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ahahah
Another excellent article Annie. Well done
Hahaha!

Yep, bit crap that Wayne Rooney and look at how shit he's been in previous Euro campaigns....oh.
In fact, yeah, England are better off without him as they've got all those other top strikers...oh.

I would argue that if Rooney hadn't injured his metatarsal against Portugal in the Quarter-Final of Euro 2004, I believe that we would've won that game in Lisbon and gone on to win the European Championships that year. During that particular tournament he was our best player and biggest hope of becoming champions but it just wasn't to be. If England are to have a chance of winning any major tournament, then Rooney will be key because he's by far and away our best player for God sake.

 

I had to laugh at those statistics. I'd love to know who those games with and without Rooney in the team were against. If anyone is bored and wants a task, there you go.

 

Who else have we got that's going to do a good job up front? Bent, Carroll, Defoe, Crouch or Zamora? I don't think so somehow. I think either Danny Welbeck or Daniel Sturridge or both would be better options than those mentioned before, however they've very little International experience at first team level but that's not something that bothers me that much to be honest. I really hope in the next couple of games against Spain and Sweden, Capello goes with the likes of Welbeck and Sturridge because they are the future in my opinion.

I'd like to know what is World Class by Kenny's standard and if he feel his own club or any other PL clubs have world class players.

Really did make me chuckle.

Exactly, you can bet that those games they lost more of when rooney started were on average games against much bigger teams. 

 

Quality article btw :D

I agree England don't need Rooney, they can be over hyped and then fall embarrassingly below their pedestal without him. In fact without him the pedestal will be considerably lower so when we do fail (inevitably)  at least we can fall on "well if the UEFA hadn't cheated us our of Rooney..." to any equally drunk mate or random foreigner who will listen lol
The thing I like most about this letter is that it's written landscape across the paper, Genius.

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