I was reading yet another one of those 'My Perfect XI' lists recently that are so often a feature of websites or magazines.


You know the sort of thing, an all-time XI as selected by someone important. They may be from a single club, from a particular country or league, the most under-rated, most expensive, most likely to be laughed at because of their hair, most often arrested, and that sort of thing.


Because of the international break last week, I found myself flipping around the web for things to watch and it got me thinking. Regardless of ability, there are a number of players out there that I want to give a good slap whenever they appear before me doing something foolish. There are some players who are great on the pitch, but live an unsettled life. Others are surely paragons of virtue but turn into mad things when they cross the white line. And others just get on my wick.

So herewith is my unscientific and badly researched take on a 'Slap Me XI'. You may find that you could fill such a list completely from the Premiership, but I watch rather a lot of football, so I've decided to include a few special continental favourites, if you can call them that.

Imagine having these fellas all on the pitch at the same time? I'd probably put my boot through the telly once I'd stopped shouting. What is odd is that many are full internationals and most are considered very good players, so the fact that they are sometimes quite daft doesn't seem to have affected their success. I guess there is a lesson in there somewhere.

Many of my picks are obvious choices – they've ladded it about a bit too much, they've been caught with controlled substances, they've lived in a shockingly appointed home, they've punched or stomped where they should not have done so. Others have given award-winning performances of histrionics that would grace any melodrama. One or two get sent off every week (or could do if that were possible) for stupid tackling. Some of them have very foolish hair, a particular pet-peeve of mine.

And some of them are just nutters, lazy, a bit thick, or all of the above.

GK: Manuel Almunia (Arsenal)

RB: Sergio Ramos (Real Madrid)

CB: John Terry (Chelsea)

CB: Philippe Mexes (Roma)

LB: Ashley Cole (Chelsea)

DMF: Sergio Busquets (Barcelona)

MF: Stephen Ireland (Aston Villa)

MF: Nani (Manchester United)

F: Zlatan Ibrahimovic (AC Milan)

F: Mario Balotelli (Manchester City)

F: Antonio Cassano (AC Milan)


Subs: Hurelio Gomes (Tottenham) Juan (Roma) Pepe (Real Madrid) Adrian Mutu (Fiorentina) Marco Borriello (Roma) David N'gog (Liverpool), Mirko Vucinic (Roma)


Manager: Jose Mourinho

I'm going with a very unbalanced side, but there are just so many possibilities, please feel free to add your own.


Views: 22

Tags: A, AC, Chelsea, City, La, League, Liga, Liverpool, Manchester, Milan, More…Premier, Roma, Serie, United

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Comment by thecityisred on April 8, 2011 at 21:46

I'd just like to say I met Neil Lennon many years ago at Sue Barker's birthday party.  My other half had VIP tickets as a buyer for JJB and we got into the green roon at QOS and it was her birthday.


He seemed lovely then, I remember fighting with Ronny O'Sullivan over an ashtray (that's how long ago it was, smoking was allowed), and lots of people getting Dickie Bird to do their answerphone message.  I was too young to appreciate it and more interested in the free wine.  Would love to visit that night again.  Carl Fogarthey (sp) was there too, McCoist & Parrott.



Comment by Im_Partial on April 7, 2011 at 20:24

Savage makes me laugh, I can't hate him.


Was very pleased to see that some of my pefrect XI did stupid things at the weekend to cement their places...


Cassano drew a pen, scored it and was sent off in a 10-minute cameo in the derby. And my Roma boys Juan, Vucinic and Mexes doing their level best to give away the match, to great success.

Comment by WorldClass on April 7, 2011 at 10:03
retired i meant retard...
Comment by United Till I Die on April 7, 2011 at 9:38
Robbie Savage hasn't actually retired yet - it just seems that way.
Comment by WorldClass on April 7, 2011 at 9:36

Robbie Savage

Garth Crooks


I'd bring them out of retirement just to put them in the team so I could slap them.

Comment by Im_Partial on April 3, 2011 at 18:26

Great photo! I love the interweb...


Sergio Busquets is a serial diver and feigner and simulation expert. Not just THAT game v Inter, he's always up to something, the little so-and-so.


Ha, we all keep picking the same centre half, does that mean he should get THE ARMBAND?


Comment by Team of Skinheads on April 3, 2011 at 16:57



Rafael                   Terry                    Lucio                Cole


Nani                   S. Brown             Ireland              Robben


                              Diouf            Balotelli




Probably a bit harsh on Rafael but I couldn't think of any right backs so I went for him after he tried to hurt little Lucas the other week. Why would anyone want to hurt Lucas?


The rest are all self explanatory with a lot of divers, whingers and wannabe hard men in there. What's everyone's problem with Sergio B? Was it just that dive and peek against Inter or has he been at it a lot recently?

Comment by Im_Partial on April 3, 2011 at 16:45
And if I were a Sunderland supporter, I'd have Cattermole in the team. How many times does he get booked? I'll bet he has the most cards in the premiership.
Comment by Im_Partial on April 3, 2011 at 16:32

Whoops. <blush>

I was trying so hard to not use the word 'cheat' that I came up with something else.


I meant to say the TANKER. Yes, that's it.

Comment by United Till I Die on April 3, 2011 at 16:24


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