I was reading yet another one of those 'My Perfect XI' lists recently that are so often a feature of websites or magazines.


You know the sort of thing, an all-time XI as selected by someone important. They may be from a single club, from a particular country or league, the most under-rated, most expensive, most likely to be laughed at because of their hair, most often arrested, and that sort of thing.


Because of the international break last week, I found myself flipping around the web for things to watch and it got me thinking. Regardless of ability, there are a number of players out there that I want to give a good slap whenever they appear before me doing something foolish. There are some players who are great on the pitch, but live an unsettled life. Others are surely paragons of virtue but turn into mad things when they cross the white line. And others just get on my wick.

So herewith is my unscientific and badly researched take on a 'Slap Me XI'. You may find that you could fill such a list completely from the Premiership, but I watch rather a lot of football, so I've decided to include a few special continental favourites, if you can call them that.

Imagine having these fellas all on the pitch at the same time? I'd probably put my boot through the telly once I'd stopped shouting. What is odd is that many are full internationals and most are considered very good players, so the fact that they are sometimes quite daft doesn't seem to have affected their success. I guess there is a lesson in there somewhere.

Many of my picks are obvious choices – they've ladded it about a bit too much, they've been caught with controlled substances, they've lived in a shockingly appointed home, they've punched or stomped where they should not have done so. Others have given award-winning performances of histrionics that would grace any melodrama. One or two get sent off every week (or could do if that were possible) for stupid tackling. Some of them have very foolish hair, a particular pet-peeve of mine.

And some of them are just nutters, lazy, a bit thick, or all of the above.

GK: Manuel Almunia (Arsenal)

RB: Sergio Ramos (Real Madrid)

CB: John Terry (Chelsea)

CB: Philippe Mexes (Roma)

LB: Ashley Cole (Chelsea)

DMF: Sergio Busquets (Barcelona)

MF: Stephen Ireland (Aston Villa)

MF: Nani (Manchester United)

F: Zlatan Ibrahimovic (AC Milan)

F: Mario Balotelli (Manchester City)

F: Antonio Cassano (AC Milan)


Subs: Hurelio Gomes (Tottenham) Juan (Roma) Pepe (Real Madrid) Adrian Mutu (Fiorentina) Marco Borriello (Roma) David N'gog (Liverpool), Mirko Vucinic (Roma)


Manager: Jose Mourinho

I'm going with a very unbalanced side, but there are just so many possibilities, please feel free to add your own.


Views: 23

Tags: A, AC, Chelsea, City, La, League, Liga, Liverpool, Manchester, Milan, More…Premier, Roma, Serie, United

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Comment by Im_Partial on April 3, 2011 at 16:20

@Wishi - Ha, you know I can't stand your boy friend JM. Was laughing my head off last night when I heard he'd lost his streak. Too much ego for me. I don't want to slap Rooney, he's just ... feisty. And those other strikers on my list are much more irritating anyway.


@Jimmy Ha, I used to love old Deco. As much as I could ever love a guy who plays for Portugal. I would have the entire Portugal team in there, actually. Except Meireles of course, LOL. Maybe Ricky Carvalho should be in at the back, he's such a sly old campaigner, always getting other people booked, the wanker.

Comment by Jimmy McNulty on April 3, 2011 at 15:06

Nah i like Essien. I also like Drogba when he's at his best, but don't think he will return to those heedy heights (when he destroyed Liverpool in the CL and destroys Arsenal). Rest of them i'm not fond of.


Comment by United Till I Die on April 3, 2011 at 14:54

I've changed my mind!


I'd like to replace it with the whole Chelsea squad and then slap all their fans.

Comment by Jimmy McNulty on April 3, 2011 at 14:43

Alves is the right back equivalent of Deco; a cheating, diving, whinging moron.


Bendtner is so delusional i fear he may have softcore schizophrenia. How are Arsenal going to sell him to a mid table team when he thinks he's the best striker in the world? Wenger's man management skills are very questionable.

Comment by Im_Partial on April 3, 2011 at 12:49

Ah Jimmy, Alves? That's an interesting one. Is it b/c he can't really defend?


And I assume Bendy is b/c he can't actually find the back of the net despite his rather large mouth?


UTID - I'd sometimes like to slap Kyrgy too, but feel that if I did, he'd fell me with one blow...



Comment by United Till I Die on April 3, 2011 at 9:15

It's so difficult to choose!!!  I'll go with a 4-3-3




Ramos Terry Kyrgiakos Johnson (Glen)


Ireland Busqets Barton


Balotelli Drogba Mutu

Comment by Jimmy McNulty on April 3, 2011 at 0:53



Alves  Terry  Materazzi  Cole


Robben  Barton  Ireland   Bellamy


 Balotelli   Bendtner




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